It has been one month since my aunt died unexpectedly at the age of 50. At the beginning, while I was still overseas, my brain could not stop narrating as it happened. I needed to write and share and process. I figured this would fast-track my grieving process so I could come out triumphant on the other end. Hah.
And then I came home. My brain shut off. It stopped narrating. It began to grieve. It is still grieving. I wanted to delete this blog and never write down a single word again.
Yet here I am, a month later (blog still intact). I still don’t know much or how to navigate through this with any semblance of a solution. What I do know is…
1. Grief comes and goes in waves.
One moment I am basking in the glory of the sun shining down on my face as I pedal joyfully down the waterfront trail near my house, and the next moment I find myself keeled over with a grief so physically tangible that I can’t breathe or think or speak or believe I could ever possibly think another happy thought again. And then it passes. And then it comes back again. Relentless.
2. I’m angry at everyone.
The UPS delivery man who gives me the stink eye for no reason; the cellphone call-centre employee refusing to reverse my overseas charges; my friends and family. Mr. J. My dog. Angry at myself for not making a bigger effort while she was alive; angry at everyone else for not knowing how horrible this is (but hoping they never have to experience it). I have nowhere to channel my anger, so everyone gets a piece.
3. I’m a clingy angry starfish.
Even though I am angry at a broad spectrum of unsuspecting victims, I also don’t want to be alone. I need understanding and unconditional love and copious amounts of wine and chocolate and promises that whoever I am clinging onto at that moment will never die and leave me to deal with this utter mind fuck again.
4. I have very little empathy for others’ problems.
You got in a fight with your boyfriend? At least you’re alive. Not getting along with your boss? At least you’re alive. Not happy with your husband? CHANGE SOMETHING WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE. Your problems aren’t real problems. If you’re healthy and alive and nobody close to you is dying or dead right now, you have everything you need to build a life you’re happy with. So go do it.
Current status: too tired to think of a fifth one / heading to Wal-mart (wish me luck) / full of ricotta cheese & regrets