Inspiration, Word vomit

Self-entitlement vs. self-growth.

The night before the phone interview, I began to rationalize taking on a new role (a promotion!) at the conglomerate:

This would be more money that I could put away and then really take the time to build a business when I’m more financially set!

Maybe it isn’t corporate life that is so bad, maybe it is just my current role (and every role I’ve had before) that is such a cluster!?

I owe it to myself to give it another shot. People would kill for stable employment and here I am complaining.

With somewhat renewed enthusiasm for prolonging my corporate career and  a rapidly waning conviction for putting in my resignation, I picked up the phone the next morning.

The hiring manager was friendly and enthusiastic. I liked him immediately. He explained the mandate of the new department and role, and reassured me that he would be supportive of me working from home. We chatted with ease for an hour. As our time was running out, he asked me one last question: “Where do you see yourself in five years?” We scheduled a phone conversation for the following day to pick up where we had left off.

I leaned back in my chair. Where did I see myself in five years? I saw myself waking up each morning and sleepily stumbling into my kitchen to turn on the espresso machine while I ground some fresh beans to rouse Mr. J from his slumber and we would take our morning espressos out in our solarium silently but happily until we had enough caffeine in our veins to talk about our upcoming days which we would both be excited about because they were on our terms and no longer would I be waking up with a feeling of dread in my stomach; it would be replaced by contentment and passion for what I was doing that day, and the day after that and every day until I had no more days left. Was that too much to ask for? Was I a self-entitled first-world asshole to want something more?

I struggled with this for a few hours. Starting a new role (a seemingly “fresh start”) was very tempting. I could continue working from home and I would have a steady income.

But I knew that this would leave me where I have always been and you would likely be reading a similar variation of these rants in a few years. I decided to come to terms with my self-entitlement and instead rename it self-growth.

Yes, I am in a position of privilege to be able to make these choices, and it is something I am extremely grateful for each day. But I intend to use this privilege to make meaningful change in my life so that I can be the kind of person who can extend my circle of influence one day to help others.

I cancelled the call and rejected further interviews for the role. And for the first time in 6 years, I finally believed I was doing this.

Current status: excited and scared AF / craving all the almond butter / obsessing over coconut anything

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