The three-month mark: Tips for surviving a breakup.

As I triumphantly glide past the three-month mark of the complete and utter mindfuck (excuse my French, thesaurus.com failed me here) that turned me into a ramen-eating, merlot-chugging, internet-sobbing shell of a human being, I feel like I am in the position to finally impart some wisdom upon those who may be going through a similar experience.

1) Block his social media accounts.
Facebook. Email. iMessage. Block this dangerous trifecta. And if your ex is a social media maven, throw Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn in there. This is perhaps the most important piece of advice I can give to anyone who is going through a breakup. If you know there is no chance of reconciliation, walk away with your head up high and block off any means of contact.

Your ex isn’t going to give you closure; closure is something you find within yourself. And it’s definitely not going to be given to you in 140 characters
or less.

2) Delete the man’s number.
In my worst moments after the breakup, I had to restrain myself from texting Mr. B a string of profanities I would have later (or more likely, instantly) regretted. Don’t give the asshole the satisfaction. He no longer exists. Be a classy bitch. Make him wonder why he never hears from you again.

3) Immerse yourself in a new hobby.
Belly dancing? Yoga? Animal caricatures? Bemoaning your woes and spilling your heart out to your 300 new WordPress friends? Whatever. Throw yourself into something new. Turn a negative into a positive. After years of not writing, I found the words spilling out of me after my breakup. Get stubborn. Use this as an opportunity to really do something that you may not have considered getting around to while you were in your relationship. I get so much satisfaction in knowing that some of my best writing would never have come to fruition if it had not been for my brush with Mr. B.

4) Surround yourself with family and friends.
These people are your lifeline. Your safety net. Your sanity. Don’t shut them out and try and suffer alone. Let them spoon feed you oatmeal, refill your rapidly depleting kleenex supply and ensure your wine is glass is always full. Talk it out. You will learn about your loved ones’ own heartbreaks when you’re ready to stop sobbing. Newsflash: They all made it through. If your mom hadn’t survived her first heartbreak, your fine ass probably wouldn’t be here! You will slowly begin to realize that heartbreak is a universal emotion. Though painful, your story is not unique. Take a strange sense of comfort in this.

5) Get your ass moving.
I’m not saying you have to become a Crossfit fanatic (seriously, please don’t), but once you’ve crawled out of bed, get those endorphins pumping. Take your neglected pooch for a long walk or turn on your favourite bad bitch playlist and take a long run. Nobody ever regrets exercise. Nobody ever regrets looking like a goddess the next time she bumps into her ex.

6) Don’t rebound.
Trust in the timing of your life. Don’t force yourself into someone else’s arms just because it temporarily eases the pain. Handle your shit; tough it out alone. Rebounding is selfish if the other person genuinely cares about you, and painful if you somehow end up dating another asshole. Lose, lose. There is a common misconception that being alone equates to being lonely; this is simply not true. Learn to be an independent bitch, and when the timing is right, you will be that much more attractive to someone worthy of being your bae.

The anal retentive part of me feels the need to round this list out to 10, but the newly budding zen part of me is letting it go. I will be writing more regularly moving forward and am looking forward to providing updates on my Me-Mantras and 2015 Bucket List!

Current Status: channeling my inner Yoda / regretting the mound of Easter chocolate in my belly / binge watching The Mindy Project Season 3 (thank you, Netflix)