Finding my “joie de vivre.”

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During one of the the last few unsettling long-distance Skype calls with Mr. B, as I stressed about work/friends/family/whatever else was pissing me off on that given day, he asked me if I thought I had lost my joie de vivre. Out of all the conversations we ever had, this one consistently haunts me.

Irrational thought: Mr. B came to visit me after months of anticipation, and realized there was nothing special or exciting about me, consequently leading to dumping my boring ass out of the blue when he could no longer take the thought of waking up beside me for one more morning.

Rational argument: If Mr. B truly loved me, he would have been there through all the phases in my life. He would realize that despite going through a particular rough patch, I will always find my joie de vivre and I am everything but boring.

FYI: The above is a method I’ve learned from David D. Burns’ Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, a really helpful book that introduced me to the concept of cognitive therapy and provided problem solving and coping techniques for negative thinking. Worth the read!

I am taking things day-by-day. My reaction to my promotion was strange, but as the week wore on (and after much discussion with my befuddled friends) I realized I have time to figure things out.

They helped me realize that this promotion is not a prison sentence, it simply provides me with a lot more financial security, which will enable me to more fervently pursue my passions outside of work.

Childish thought/obnoxious moment: Have fun drowning in student loans, asshole.
#likeaboss #baller #yolo

I am always growing; always evolving. Mr. B may have thought I lost my joie de vivre, but I realize now, this is just the beginning for me. I will always ruthlessly pursue a big and full life.

Current Status: gagging on wet dog smell / Netflix binging / conflicted about battling St. Patty’s day bar crowds tonight

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The three c’s in life: choice, chance, change…

…you must make the choice, to take the chance, if you want anything in life to change.

After catching the red-eye home and begrudgingly re-entering reality (more on Vegas later, thank you for all the suggestions!), I got promoted at work. Pretty neat, n’est pas?

Most people would be filled with excitement, or at least a tiny feeling of accomplishment. Instead, I lost my mind in a bathroom stall.

What am I doing with my life? Why am I not any closer to fulfilling my dreams? Do I even know what they are? Am I just an overprivileged brat incapable of being content with a pretty comfortable life?

No idea. Laziness? Nope. Probably.

This was my Elizabeth Gilbert moment. Minus the voice of God whispering to me and the crumbling marriage. Okay. Perhaps not an apt comparison at all. Either way, it felt monumental.

Someone once told me it was not advisable to make any big decisions after travelling, but I actually feel like this may the best time to do so. I always feel most honest with myself when coming back from gallivanting across the world.

Have you ever made a life-changing decision after being abroad? Thoughts?

Current Status: missing the bright lights / working through my existential crisis / officially a Lena Dunham convert

Viva Las Vegas!

As you read this, I am cruising at 30,000 feet up in the air, somewhere between Toronto and Las Vegas, most likely sipping a stiff gin and tonic, and discreetly enjoying a cheesy rom-com on the tiny screen in front of me.

This idea came to fruition on a cold January night, as I exceeded my daily allowance of cheap merlot and self wallowing. I picked up my phone and drunk texted Miss E:

Me: LET’S GO TO VEGASSSSSSS!
Miss E: Done!

People, that is what a best friend does. She does not question. She just goes with it. We booked our flight the next morning

Context: Mr. B was adamant about never stepping foot in Vegas; he would not even entertain the thought of going in the distant future. (For no particular reason, he was just a stubborn asshole.)

It only seemed fitting to book this trip as an official launch to my Year of Self.

My reader therapists, wish me luck on the tables! If you never hear from me again, I won a jackpot (or drank too many bottomless margaritas). Any suggestions for what I should do while in Vegas? Good eats?

Current Status: cursing my poor packing skills / binge watching House of Cards / never using self-tanning lotion again

Debbie Downer Days.

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It’s been 15 days since my last post – the longest I’ve not contributed to my blog since its humble inception.

I’ve allowed myself to snowball into an all-encompassing horrible mood, where I just sit around in my underwear, eat deep-dish pizza and shake my fist at my Christmas tree in disdain, as its twinkling lights mock my sad existence. I’ve been avoiding my blog because I haven’t wanted to dive into picking apart these feelings.

I feel guilty because instead of finding my inner zen, I seem to be excelling in finding my inner lush (is it too late to change my domain name?).

I need to get a goddamn grip, wipe the marinara sauce off my chin, put some pants on and chalk it up as a few minor setbacks – nothing more.

Today marks a new month. January: I survived. February: I hobbled through. March: will be my turning point.

What do you do to get yourself out of a bad-mood spiral or work through setbacks in your life? Weigh in, my internet therapists!

Current Status: marathoning through Lena Dunham’s Girls / sporting carb face / healing my liver