Wait. So does this mean you’re going to stay single?

lifequote

When Diane Farr (my heartbreak hero extraordinaire) declared her Year of Self, she set specific parameters for her experience:

“So I made my promise to myself that I would not date for a whole year. I needed to move away from marriage and kids defining everything.”

She then inevitably ended up meeting her husband during that year, developed her booming career, had beautiful babies, and publicly (but very humorously) villainized her douchebag, womanizing ex-fiancรฉe on Queen Oprah’s show.

Since declaring 2015 as my own Year of Self, I’ve been asked many times if this means I will also be staying single.

I’m not sure yet? What I do know is that defining the Year of Self as simply a year of being single would be a terrible oversimplification of what it is I want to achieve.

That being said, my focus right now is definitely not on romantic relationships, and I don’t believe that I could legitimately be a good partner to someone in my hot-mess present state. Let’s be serious, my Tinder profile would be all like:

“Merlot-drinking, ramen-eating, T-Swizzle loving, emotionally-unstable cutie with a booty, looking for her lumber sexual dream man. Douchebags need not apply. Holler!”

I think what is most important for me right now is to loosen the reigns on attempting to control and plan every little detail in my life. So no, I won’t actively be pursuing romantic relationships. (Please note: This last sentence will be deemed null and void if Chris Evans ever shows up at my door.) I’m just going to roll with it (Me-Mantra #3!) and see where this year takes me!

As American actor, screenwriter, director, producer, activist and musician Tim Robbins once said:

โ€œStay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.โ€

Current Status: steamrolling through The Mindy Project (thanks, @aleksawal) / committed to not “swiping right” / in desperate need of a manicure

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22 thoughts on “Wait. So does this mean you’re going to stay single?

  1. sakura36 says:

    There’s nothing wrong being single. There are some benefits too otherwise you wouldn’t have so many married people trying to be single again. No one should get involve in a relationship if they are not ready.
    Stay tune to my blog this month I plan to write Valentines’ Day: Single Edition. No one talks about the singles and usually focus on couples. So I want to fix that this year!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Through the Looking Glass says:

    Of what I’ve seen, Tinder is a really bad idea right after a breakup because sometimes people ‘swipe right’, meet new guys all because they are lonely. Newly acquired singledom does that to many. But if you have tinder, that little window of hope of meeting someone who could potentially be someone or who could temporarily remove your loneliness, is very high. It leads to a bigger, messier, snot-filled mess. Staying single, getting back every millimetre of your original self confidence, being alone, not having a constant romantic presence in your life, is hard at times. But it can never get easier if a dating app is used to escape your lesson.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Ah yes. I was just watching a TedTalks where the speaker explained that falling in love triggers the same part of our brains as when a person takes cocaine!

      It is that teeny weeny window of hope that is so easy to hang onto, and some shiny, brand-new objection of affection that we yearn to throw our sorrows (and loaded expectations) into.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Through the Looking Glass says:

        It’s funny how it reminds me of how addicts on getting drug withdrawals start sniffing highlighter Pens or glue. Neither helps and the second addiction is just plain pathetic, let alone desperate and weird.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. DeeScribes says:

    I don’t think you need to set a timeline on your single status. But, I think you are wise to recognize that right now you aren’t a good partner for anyone because you are still working on yourself. You owe it to yourself (and to anyone you might date in the future) to take that time. As someone who has been with folks who haven’t taken the time to figure out who they are before trying to enter a relationship with me – it sucks! I don’t want to fall in love with someone who is still trying to define himself! When I’m supposed to meet the next love, I’ll meet him. I haven’t met him yet so I keep living my life and I don’t worry about when he might come along. Funny how you meet people that way…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thanks, Dee. You’re right, no timeline. (Definitely hard when I’m such a planner.)

      I’m currently reading a book called “Feeling Good” by David D. Burns. There’s a whole chapter in it on people’s addiction to love. A section of the book reminded me of the last part of your comment: “People who have found happiness within themselves are usually the most desirable to members of the opposite sex and come like magnets because they are at peace and generate a sense of joy.”

      The key is living your life without staking your happiness on that person coming along. I have met so many wonderful people just this month, but opening myself up and just enjoying the present. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. atiyarehman513 says:

    You are doing the right thing – which is doing what makes you feel happy and comfortable. What is meant to happen will happen and in the meantime, you do you! ps Mindy Lahiri is my spirit animal and one of the joys in my life.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The British Asian Blog says:

    When you worry this much about being single, you basically isolate yourself and force yourself to be single, instead what you should be doing, is enjoying your life, the age you are and taking up different hobbies, seriously just get out and stop thinking of being single and before you know it – you’ll be set up with someone you actually like and he/she likes you ;-0

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      I think I’m actually more concerned with following old patterns and rushing into a new relationship for the comfort of it.

      For the most part (minus random moments of freaking out after not being single in over a decade), I am looking forward to this year. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  6. delildel says:

    It’s great that you’re making the decision to remain single! You already know from experience that being in a relationship sometimes isnt the best thing in the world and there are things that are out of your control. I feel like with you accepting that, you’re already in a good place. So I’d say to enjoy yourself and who you can be when you’re single…or not. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Charlotte says:

    Best of luck with your year of self, I’m on the same mission. Admittedly mine is fuelled more by “WHY DOESN’T HE LOVE ME?” type emotions related to my ex, than by a desire to discover myself, but hey – at least I’m giving it a shot. Sort of x

    Like

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