Realization #2 – I’m scared of being alone.

There. I said it. I am a grown-ass, 27-year-old woman who is scared of being alone. Something I truly didn’t realize until Mr. B skipped into (and subsequently out of) my life.

For the past decade, I have methodically steamrolled from one relationship into the next.

Oh, shit ain’t working with Mr. Right Now? That’s cool, Mr. Coming Right Up is looking pretty good…

Yes, I am that girl. I was that girl. Every time I ended a relationship, I already had the next eligible bachelor lined up. I’ve never actually dealt with the feelings associated with a breakup.

I suppose you could say my method for getting over someone, was getting under someone else (sorry, Mom!).

This is the first time in a decade there is no tall, dark and handsome distraction waiting for me; the first time in a decade where I refuse to resort to this destructive (albeit very comforting) pattern.

I need to make a real change in my life and behaviour. I refuse to drag another unsuspecting human being into this angsty, Mr. B-hating, wine-chugging, ramen-noodle eating phase of my existence. I am not in any shape to: a) attract the right guy; and b) be a good partner to anyone.

So here I am, raising my glass of merlot, to being alone! (Someone please take me out of my misery if I ever order a Snuggie!)

Current Status: listening to Single Ladies / googling micro pigs in rainboots / loading up on ramen

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33 thoughts on “Realization #2 – I’m scared of being alone.

  1. mr_hoang says:

    I think it’s good that you recognized your behaviour and now you are able to change it. Being single will help you focus on your self and what you want. You know what they say. You can’t be with someone until you can be by yourself! goodluck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. NinDS says:

    I’m almost 28 and its a constant battle between wanting my space & wanting someone with me all the time! Everyone walks around like their fine with being alone when deep down we’d rather not be, think its to do with age though we become better at hiding our feelings with age? Well done for admitting it, its a difficult thing to do šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. atiyarehman513 says:

    Amazing realization – there’s some kind of euphoria that comes with this unserstanding of self. You are doing great, you will continue on this journey and you will find what you are looking for – within yourself. I’m looking forward to following you on this pursuit!

    Like

  4. sheepblogs says:

    It kind of reminded me of what someone said to me earlier. At a certain point in his life, he knew a lot of girls in his contacts who was single and free. But as he was growing older, one by one, the girls he knew were taken away by different men, finding their own happiness, and some of them couldnt find that happiness with him but with different men. Then by the time he was 36, the girls he knew suddenly disappeared. Everything looked dark. And that is when he knew that he was alone, trapped just with himself.

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Yes. I’ve reflected a lot on past relationships that I’ve ended, and how moving forward this experience will really shape me in my decision making in the future. I’ve definitely inflicted pain on others, and never understood the pain associated with being rejected.

      Liked by 1 person

        • Finding My Inner Zen says:

          No, not at all. This thought has oftentimes crossed my mind over the past few weeks, and I may even attempt to write a blog post about it one day.

          Until I experienced this situation, I truly did not realize the effect that I may have had on other people’s lives. I could be the Ms. B in someone else’s story.

          I’m not sure whether this means making amends one day with the people I may have trampled through, or if it is simply a matter of being cognizant of this moving forward, but it is definitely something that will be addressed (through my blog) and in my life.

          I always appreciate honesty; I will never be offended by your thoughts.

          Liked by 1 person

        • trablog says:

          Good to know that. I often refrain from leaving a comment either because I don’t really know what to say or because just don’t want to offend by accident! Glad to know that you wont get offended šŸ™‚ Anyway I hope you are doing better šŸ™‚

          Like

  5. that traveling nurse says:

    I don’t think there is anyone out there who isn’t scared of being alone. Those who say they aren’t are just pretending otherwise. In the meantime, enjoy your “singlehood” with friends and family. I got married when I was 30 years old and did not regret one single bit!

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      I agree! Why are people so ashamed to say it? I think the key is being honest that it’s scary, but also not being desperate to just couple up with the next single person because you’re paranoid about ending up along. I will definitely enjoy my “singlehood” as it’s essentially a first for me, and I intend to take advantage of it and turn this into an amazing year! šŸ™‚

      I think 30 and on is a great age to get married; I think your 20s should be reserved for self discovery and travel!

      Liked by 1 person

      • that traveling nurse says:

        I absolutely think you should do just that! Travel, locally or abroad. You will be amazed at the things you learn and the things you can do when you travel alone. One thing that sorta helped me out too when I was at a low point in my life was volunteering for the less fortunate. It gave me a better perspective and made me realize how lucky and how blessed I am. Good luck!

        Like

  6. Girl, Independent says:

    You might not realise it, but now is a great time! You get to do what you want, when you want, and not feel guilty about that. What makes you really happy? Not sure? Spend some time finding out! Take yourself out being a tourist in a city for a day, wander. Take your favourite book and sit in a coffee shop for an afternoon. You’re now accountable to no one and you only have yourself to please.

    You might not realise it now, but I absolutely promise you that you will one day look back on this time and realise that you enjoyed having you to yourself. You learned so much and grew so much and “found yourself” to use a corny phrase. You’re kick ass now, but you are going to be *so* much more kick ass when you come out the other end of this! Just try and enjoy the journey through it as much as you can and realise that its an opportunity to make yourself happy šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      I think I will add all your suggestions to a bucket list I’ve been jotting down in my head. I’ve never been a tourist in my own city; never sat in a coffee shop alone. Never taken myself to the movies. It’s starting to feel liberating to be able to do what I want, when I want. I’m also dabbling in the idea of doing a solo trip somewhere, but not quite sure if I’m there yet.

      I am starting to believe that this experience will lead to bigger things. It’s hard to forget that in the shuffle of the mood swings and emotional days, but I hope I can apply that phrase (no matter how corny it is), at the end of it all.

      Living in the present, taking it one day at a time! Thanks for the kind words; I find your story so inspiring!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. DeeScribes says:

    You will never be happy in a relationship with anyone else until you are happy in your relationship with yourself. You have been given a gift – time to learn about YOU! Please take the time to learn what it is that makes you full of life and passion. What matters to you? What do you want from life? How will you make your interests come to have a place in your world? I encourage you to embrace this time without a man to learn what it truly means to be YOU. Not someone’s girlfriend, or someone’s date, or someone’s ex. Just you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Hi Dee. I really am starting to see it as a gift (and I’m not just forcing myself to say that!). All the questions you mention have been running through my mind over the past few weeks, and I’ve been giving them a lot of serious thought. I think I lost a sense of what makes me happy and fulfilled somewhere along the way, by always being someone’s something. Who am I? Why did this experience send me on such a spiral? Why was I waiting for Mr. B to complete my happy ending?

      As always, your comments and support always mean so much to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • DeeScribes says:

        You are in control of your happy ending. Remember that. You are doing so well – and I hope you do take some time to travel, explore the world on your own, think about how you can be the best YOU.

        P.S. Never underestimate the value of a warm blanket or Snuggie! Sometimes you just need to wrap yourself up. Not forever, not all the time. But sometimes.

        Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thanks, Sunil! I just booked a trip for the beginning of March, one in May and another possibly in September. I completely agree. Travel is such a great distraction, and also provides you with such perspective. Reminds us that the world is such a big place with an infinite amount of possibilities and experiences available! šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  8. melinda blair paterson says:

    I am about to turn 55years this week. I spent most of my life moving from relationship to relationship and was married for a nanno second. At the ripe age of 45 I thought I had finally found ‘the one’ and began my slow torterous decline into obsessive love. When ‘the one’ said he didn’t want to be with me I was devastated. I vowed to myself then that something had to change… ‘moir’. So I spent the next 7 years being single, lonely, and depressed. I allowed myself to feel it all. Finally I began to feel the celebration of being single, independent, alone and alive. And guess what… a beautiful conscious man came into my life and we now enjoy the most amazing relationship because it is happiness is not dependent on the other. We also took twelve months to come together. We TALKED a lot, we just hung out, we cleaned up our ex relationships, we had no sexual intimacy, and we got to know each other as friends. Finally we agreed to jump into intimacy but the commitment was there first. Albeit… it’s not the way most people enter relationship these days… however, as a woman who now knows her worth and love herself I can highly recommend it. All the best with your journey into aloneness. Yes be brutally honest with yourself and allow/feel it all. Eventually you will find the love you are looking for right there within yourself. THEN you really are ready for committed intimate relationship with another… or not. Much love Mx

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Hi Melinda,
      I really, really enjoyed reading your story. I am always so amazed by the breadth of different experiences people have encountered during their lives, and love hearing stories about people’s personal journeys. I find it very uplifting to know so many have gone through similar (and much worse!), and have come out of it stronger and better than ever!

      It’s also very refreshing to hear that you took your time and celebrated the time in your life when you were single. Was there a single event that prompted you to do this, or were you just sick of being depressed?

      Thank you for sharing! Very inspiring. šŸ™‚

      Like

  9. mercurialmusing says:

    Face your fears love. Let not your bottle be your weapon. A glass of wine will exhume your memory after a glass too many but you’re only escaping what you will inevitably have to feel. Don’t run, don’t escape for it’ll only drag you back. You can’t afford to feel all that pain again. It’s way too expensive for your being. Take your fears, your hurt and face them head on. Collide so hard that all your constellations spill over and your clothes start to reek of heartbreak. You’ll feel like you’ve faced a thousand armies. You’ll feel like an injured tin soldier but you’ll also know that you’ve still won this war, singlehandedly.

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Beautifully put. The harder you push it all down, the more it will come rising up when you least expect it. I’ve allowed myself to just work through the emotions as they come. No more running. This tin soldier may be a bit bent out of shape, but I definitely be coming out of this alive (and hopefully relatively unscathed!).

      šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Karyl.Agana says:

    I hate being alone, most of the time. I normally find myself in situations where I am hanging out with someone. Unless, I’m not- which more often than not isn’t because I chose to be.
    Even if you’ve dated someone one after the other I think the idea of being alone will always be negative, unless you work with people all day and you actually need quiet time.
    Find a balance, don’t overwhelm yourself by being around people all the time and the same goes with being in relationship one after the other.
    Being alone and listening to silence and odd, sometimes misguided thoughts, on a regular basis, is also bad.
    Find sometime to be around people and find sometime to be with yourself. In a relationship or not, it’s balance is key.

    Cheers,
    Karyl

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Hi Karyl,
      I think it is definitely about a balance. I’m not the type of person that can constantly be around others; I always need time to decompress.
      I’m starting to slowly enjoy the thought of being alone and not factoring anyone into my life decisions at the moment.

      Thanks for the thoughtful comment. šŸ™‚

      Like

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