One step forward, three steps back…

I shouldn’t have rejoiced so quickly and proclaimed myself healed over the grey-sock realization.

Coming home to spend the night in my empty apartment has been harder than I imagined. I was feeling better in my childhood home; it served as an escape from reality.

I am so goddamn angry and sad all at once, and keep reaching for my phone to message Mr. B. I stop myself every time. There is nothing he can say that can change what he did. He ruined it.

Reaching out to him at this point for further clarification on how I just didn’t quite measure up in his books will just leave me back on my bathroom floor.

Because the truth is, there are moments I miss Mr. B so much I can’t breathe.

Asshole.

Advertisements

31 thoughts on “One step forward, three steps back…

  1. DeeScribes says:

    You need a Break Up Buddy! That is the person you text or call whenever you are tempted to reach out to Mr. B. This Buddy validates you and congratulates you for not reaching out to him. For more details, find the book “It’s Called a Break Up Because It’s Broken” or something like that. My best friend, my sister and my friend Theresa know they are my Break Up Buddies. Works like a dream.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thanks, Dee. I took your advice, as yours was one of the first comments I saw pop up. I called my Breakup Buddy (my best friend Ms. E) and let it all pour out. I then proceeded to have a big glass of wine and a bath to calm my nerves.

      Surprisingly, I got a lot of the emotion out. The rest of the night was uneventful, and I’ve been enjoying a new book I’m reading. It’s the unexpectedness of the lows that really throws me off. I’m back to work tomorrow, so need to keep it together!

      Thanks as always for your kind words and support; they really make a difference.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Staying strong! Got over it. Rest of the evening was relatively uneventful.

      I think it was to be expected now that I think of it. I hid at my parents’ house for almost a full week, not wanting to be alone.

      Thanks for the kind words, as always.

      Like

  2. ordinary life of an ordinary wife says:

    You’re taking steps in the right direction. Going back to your place, of course it will dredge up anxiety and emotion, but tomorrows another day! I wrote a blog today tried to test the waters a bit. If you feel like reading it to take your mind off things that’d be great! if you have a chance, I’d love your feedback honest opinion is it entertaining? easy to read? Or does it make you want to x out halfway through the text. I think we have similar writing styles

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      I went with: cry my heart out.

      No, I know he doesn’t want me back. And as much as I miss him, I don’t want him back either. What I do know is, I would like to hang onto my dignity and not do the angry ex-girlfriend thing.

      Like

  3. delildel says:

    I think that writing this blog is a great way to channel and sort through your emotions. You should go do things that are out of the ordinary, in my opinion, because that breaks you away from things and environments that you might have shared with Mr. B. It also keeps him off your mind. Kudos for resisting to text Mr. B, because that’d be just like a moth to the flame πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      I agree. I think this blog has saved me through a lot of embarrassing, late night, crazy ex-girlfriend texting behaviour. Once my “episode” passed and I gave it a good cry and few punches to my poor couch pillows, I was happy I had not succumbed. I do not want to be that girl.

      Like

      • 1terriberry says:

        I think I saw where It said no more comments. But I’m so glad you liked it. I have to read your first blogs to get the whole picture of what happened with Mr. B. Then I can give more input. I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to be your Mom! Lol! Going to bed now and you try to have a comfortable night dear! Ok?

        Like

        • Finding My Inner Zen says:

          Thank you for all the words off encouragement! Yeah, if you ever have some time to kill you can work your way from the first one up chronologically!

          P.S. Loved this analogy: “I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer. You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrΓ©e comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.”

          Like

  4. suzannedavis11 says:

    There is a future: Just a quick comment to say that our then-25-year-old daughter went through a terrible blind-siding breakup 2 Christmases ago…She cried and downloaded to our family for several weeks about her ungrateful, egocentric, and unloving beau..She had thought he was “the one.” We were glad to see him go. She suffered a great deal. Three weeks ago she married the perfect man for her…smart, handsome, and kind. He loves her as much as she deserves. Time will heal; he was obviously not “the one.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Hi Suzanne,
      Thank you. This morning when I woke up for the first time in my empty apartment, this was the first comment I saw pop up on my phone before I had to face the day.

      I appreciate you sharing your daughter’s story; I don’t get sick of hearing them.

      Thank you for your support and kind words, and making this crazy, scorned ex-girlfriend’s impossible morning feel a titch more bearable!

      Like

  5. Bevinne Morse says:

    You’re doing well to get it out into the open. πŸ™‚ Off topic – that pix on the top of your blog is sooooo beautiful! Is that in Europe? God bless!

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thank you. I’m not quite sure why/how I got the idea of starting it. To be honest I think I just wanted to immortalize Mr. B as a jerk, and then realized it helped me sort through my thoughts.

      Yes, it’s in Lucerne, Switzerland. When I was thinking of “zen” this is the most peaceful place I could think of. I love travel photography. In the future hope to put more of my photos up.

      πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s