Post-Breakup Day 4: The Warning Signs.

“Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems obvious in hindsight.”
– Judy Belmont

In between the waves of anxiety, the deeply-knotted pit in my stomach and the constant flood of tears that seem to be aggressively making their way out of my still-surprised tear ducts, I’ve obviously had a lot of time to think back to the last few weeks and the warning signs that I brushed off as my own paranoia.

As I dive into the deeply-torturous, but completely necessary realms of retrospect, I’m like a goddamn forensic scientist as I uncover more little signs that I had been ignoring.

Mr. B was distant. After four months of waiting to be together, I did not feel the butterflies when he kissed me at the airport. The conversations were always awkwardly forced and pieced together. The only time I felt at ease is when we had both been drinking, and our inhibitions were down. It took Mr. B approximately three martinis to stop looking like spending time with me wasn’t somehow inconveniencing his bright and shiny new life.

I gave him outs. I asked him what was wrong. I expressed my anxiety and vulnerability, and he waved them off and told me everything was fine. For seven days, he made me feel insecure and little. For this, I hate him. It crashes over me in waves.

He has shattered my faith in basic human kindness and decency. I had never realized what a grand optimist I was until this experience. I believed in him, unfailingly.

How did I cease to see that Mr. B was a complete and utter douchebag?

Current Status: Look like shit / worst day so far / feeling pathetic and rageful

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12 thoughts on “Post-Breakup Day 4: The Warning Signs.

  1. mercurialmusing says:

    It’ll get bad, only till it cannot get any worse. After that, it’ll be like an elevator that only goes up. I was/sortof still am in, the same situation. It’s like your glasses were fogged with optimism and romantic notions, but honey this is how you’ll learn to see better.
    Love and Light.

    Like

      • mercurialmusing says:

        I know right? I thought it was just me who thought that the nights would be unbearable, sleepless, full of misery etc. but that was never ever so. I remember clearly how screwed up, snot induced, choked up my morning were right after the breakup. It’s probably because when you wake up after a long 8 hour forget, it hits you hard. But by the time you get to the night, the day has somewhat desensitized you. It’s curious that you pointed this out, maybe like introverts/extroverts, coffee/tea people, we are the pathetic morning cryers compared to sobbing sleepless
        night dumpees. My ego doesn’t want to believe any of this word vomit, neither should you.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Contizental says:

    this.is.what.happened.to.me.
    are we talking about the same guy? just noticed you are in CANADA, what, i am paranoid now. is B his real initial? (I sure hope that it is)

    Like

      • Contizental says:

        Haha. The a-hole is called Mr R.G.J.

        I am feeling good today, I hope it lasts 🙂 Well done for blocking him, that’s the way forward. I too deleted my email account and got a new one, because I don’t even want the half-anticipation like “oh i wish he got a new account just to contact me” 😦 .

        I think not being in the same city/country will ensure a speedy recovery. We will get through this 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Finding My Inner Zen says:

          Glad to hear you’re having a better day! Nope, the initials don’t match.

          Kudos to you for also blocking him out of your life. Not being in the same country is definitely a relief, although Mr. B is still technically lurking around my city until Saturday.

          We will get through this. Day by day!

          Like

  3. adeleinglasses says:

    I’m sorry to see the stages that you are going through post-break up but it’s also completely understandable and ultimately going to benefit you greatly. As you mentioned, it came as a surprise, but the signs were there upon reflection – you know this wasn’t the right person for you, just don’t ever give up on love! Easier said than done right now, I know.

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Argh. I will definitely be more careful next time though?

      One of my friends said it very simply, “You gave him your trust and let him hold your future in his hands without asking for anything in return. Next time, you will make someone earn those things.”

      I don’t reallllyyyy foresee myself being a lonely cat lady one day, but that next person is going to have to work for it!

      Like

  4. Iridescent Spirits says:

    I too went throught this with a guy. We only could feel convenient and talk freely when we drank. In retrospect I’m so happy I had my period when I stayed the night at his place, after a ball. Yet he broke my heart as a month later without any previous signs he posted a picture on his fb being at another ball with a girl and he responded to a comment that ‘she is not only a friend’. Douchebag…I hope you feel better btw. 🙂

    Like

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