Long-distance Mr. B vs. Real Mr. B

As I come to grips with the aftermath of Day 4, I’ve noticed the mornings are unbearable. It’s the moment I wake up and for a few seconds have forgotten what has transpired. Then the waves come crashing down.

By the time my small army of unlicensed therapists (friends and family) talk me through the morning, the afternoons seem to be going by much more easily as I immerse myself in research, blogging and watching Friends reruns on Netflix (seriously, do this if you need mindless yet mildly entertaining noise in the background!).

It’s the mornings where I pick apart and analyze everything that has happened, and although unbearable at times, one of my best guy friends summed it up really simply:

“Okay, so to put it bluntly… you miss someone who doesn’t exist, and you’re pissed at
someone
who does.”

Yup. The Mr. B that wooed me, the one I fell in love with, does not exist. He was replaced by a cruel, unemotional sociopath who discarded me once he was done using me.

Is sociopath too strong of a word? Perhaps. But consider this: The day before Mr. B broke up with me was New Years Eve. He met my closest friends, was the life of the party and played the part of the doting boyfriend. He was affectionate, wonderful and very convincing. As the clock struck 12, he dipped me back, kissed me passionately and proclaimed that he was “so happy to be ringing in the New Year with me.”

Thanks, Mr. B.  I still have friends texting me how much they loved you and how in love with me you are. Happy 2015 to me?

Current Status: more angry than sad / convinced I dated a sociopath / still haven’t washed my hair

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9 thoughts on “Long-distance Mr. B vs. Real Mr. B

  1. katiejunewilhelm says:

    Completely understand what you’re going through. The mornings were always the worst for me as well because I had either had a nightmare about it or just completely forgot that my heart was broken for a good few minutes. Best of luck on this journey. I’ll be sure to follow your work. Really enjoyed this!

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thanks, Katie. Glad to know I’m not the only one.

      For some reason I assumed nights would be the worst? But I seem to be really good at distracting and tiring myself out.

      I really appreciate the kind words, comments and for someone to be following my crumbling existence (and hopefully happy ending!).

      Like

  2. M. Talmage Moorehead says:

    I’ve known a lot of sociopaths over the years. I was raised with one, in fact. They are a mixed bag of people who aren’t all the same, exactly. I’ve written a post about them in the context of creating a villain in a story (Understanding the Sociopath Character – http://www.storiform.com).

    Their greatest damage is the hatred they inspire in us. Our hatred for them does them no harm, it only eats away at us, burning a permanent hell in our inner lives where we ruminate over the abuse and relive it with scenes of what we should have said or done. This is poison to happiness.

    I hope you will forget the guy very soon, then later in life write a chapter in one of your novels where he is the villain and viewpoint character and you try to see some sort of “round” perspective that helps you forgive the diseased mind (not excuse him or miss him or ever even slightly consider contacting him again – he sounds dangerous).

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    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Do you have a direct link to that particular post? For some reason I’m having trouble finding it. My brain is a bit mushy, apologies.

      I’m not sure I can start thinking about forgiveness soon. I want to think I am a big enough person to forgive him, but the feelings of hate are still swimming around in me. But yes, it is poison. And the hate he inspires within me is only hurting me; it will never touch him or matter to him!

      I do hope the next chapter in my life is a progression, and that this is a catalyst for much greater adventures.

      Liked by 1 person

      • M. Talmage Moorehead says:

        You know, I just reread that post and I don’t think it’s going to be at all helpful to your situation. Maybe just the opposite. It was written in the context of creating fictional characters. If you’re curious, here’s the link, but I don’t recommend you read it now. Maybe next year when you’re writing a novel or short story… http://storiform.com/2012/11/06/misunderstanding-the-sociopath-character/

        For now, I think you’re doing the right thing. Stay away from this guy, forget him and maybe think about inner private forgiveness (that he will never know about) later when he’s ancient history.

        Hang in there! Time will heal you completely.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. terriblepokerface says:

    I LOVE this. (Not the heartbreak obviously, but your writing.)

    I’m very much in the same boat as you. I haven’t explored it all on my blog yet because I’m still trying to process it in a way that doesn’t make me want to throw me, him, or the both of us into oncoming traffic, but it’ll come when it’s supposed to, I guess.

    P.S. Washing your hair is completely overrated anyways 😉

    Like

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