So this is what heartbreak feels like…

I got dumped. Unceremoniously. We had just finished off a carefully-prepared breakfast by Mr. B consisting of BLTs (mine did look suspiciously smaller than previous iterations), and he went off to take a long shower. When he came back, smelling all fresh and clean, he sat me down on the couch, looked me straight in the eyes and he told me he had just lost that good ol’ loving feeling.

Well, let’s back it up a bit.

Mr. B and I met at a wedding. It was love at first sight. Kind of. To be perfectly honest I was eyeing the tall French guy standing next to him on the groomsmen podium, but once my wing woman snagged my trombone-playing hottie, I noticed Mr. B from across the room. Not my usual type – a bit too scruffy – but easy on the eyes when he smiled. Damn, that smile.

We danced the night away. The drinks were flowing, the conversation was easy, and Mr. B dazzled his way into my heart (and my pants). Three days of passionate love making, intense conversations and magical moments carried me off into a state of intoxication over this man. I felt like I finally knew what people spoke about when they gushed about just knowing he’s “the one.” So, away I gushed. I let my guard down. I told everyone I could I was in love. I was sure of it. If someone had handed me a megaphone during our initial courtship, I would have stood on a street and swore up and down on my mother’s life that this was the kind of love that Nicholas Sparks could pump out another best-selling, shitty romance novel about.

Alas, as all good things and perfect moments must inevitably come to an end, he was off back to the States before embarking upon a Master’s program in the UK, and I was staying in Toronto. I drove him to the airport, and we locked in a passionate kiss, him promising that I was the one for him and things would never change. Love letters were sent (please note: this man was a goddamn wordsmith, nobody could write a love letter like Mr. B). Care packages meticulously crafted. Gifts exchanged. I spent hours perusing the internet on articles of how to make long distance relationships last. Armed with the knowledge of countless wikihow articles and four days of knowing each other, how could this possibly fail? This was my happy ending.

Fast forward to four months later. Me, sitting on the couch looking up at the man who I thought loved me, dumping me with a look of relief on his face. 

“The distance is too much…” he stated. “I can’t do this anymore.”

To my own satisfaction, I made him say the words: “Tell me you don’t feel the same way about me anymore.”

After some half-assed attempts at blaming it on the distance, he finally uttered the words. I have never experienced emotional pain transcending into physical pain. As I sat on my bathroom floor wanting to die, waiting for him to leave, it felt like someone had punched through my chest and was squeezing my heart in quick methodical (and cruel) bursts.

This story doesn’t have a happy ending (yet). I’m on Day 2 of the grieving process. Sorry, folks.

I’ve started this blog in hopes that I will somehow become a stronger person because of this. That I can use writing and reflection as a way of figuring out what has been missing in my life, and why this person was able to fill the empty spots inside of me so completely, that I feel like I’m now a walking, deflated, joke of a balloon without him.

…woe is me.

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46 thoughts on “So this is what heartbreak feels like…

  1. smilecalm says:

    may your heart feel safe
    loved and comforted
    by your own compassion
    for yourself!
    breathe calmly, in mindfulness
    aspire to have gratitude for the conditions of happiness
    that exist right now, in this moment,
    such as sight, to see the beautiful blue sky
    and touch, to hug yourself and feel warmth.
    may you be well 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. schmorie says:

    You’re right. The switch from emotional pain to physical pain is so intense and without warning. I felt I was literally dying inside. I can relate to your situation so much. Same boat.

    Like

  3. nina2018 says:

    I think sometimes it’s the dashing of our dreams for the future. You will get through the grief and disappointment, bit by bit, and come out so much brighter and better on the other side. Totally kick ass. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      I really think you hit the nail on the head, Nina. As I’ve worked through the initial shock, I’ve really come to realize that Mr. B was never who I thought he was.

      I’m not mourning an actual person. I’m mourning the bright and shiny future he painted for me.

      I really appreciate the kind words and taking the time to comment. Every time someone shares their insight, it lifts my spirits a little more.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. adeleinglasses says:

    I hope that keeping a blog does help you through the process, this was really well written, and I shouldn’t have enjoyed it but the humour that you injected was brilliant but I really felt for you in the tender moments too – the sign of a true writer!

    I need to catch up on your entries but the mere fact that you’re doing this shows your strength. You go girl, full support here!

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thank you for the ridiculously kind words and vote of confidence! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks I’m sort of funny at times.

      I’ve tried writing other blogs before in this really serious, hoity-toity voice and they never work out. So during this experience, I was just like fuck it. Even if nobody ever reads this, at least it’s going to be written in my own (admittedly ridiculous at times) voice.

      It means so much to me for you to take the time out of your day to peruse my posts and leave your comments and thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thank you for the link. I had read about this during my research (I scoured the internet for anything I could get my hands on to make myself feel better), and I did come across an article on the same topic (posted in another comment above).

      They’ve conducted surveys before where people would prefer having hot coffee poured on their hands over heartbreak. I may be making that up. It may have just been a comparison. But anyways, during the worst of this experience (knock on wood), I can honestly say I would have preferred pots of coffee poured on my hands. The feeling of Mr. B dumping me had to single handedly be the worst moment of my life.

      I appreciate the kind words and for you taking the time to remind me of this topic. I think it could make a good future blog post!

      Like

      • Couples In Step says:

        I actually have half a blog post written on this — perhaps I’ll finish and if you follow me on my blog, you could favour me with a comment when it I publish it!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Yan Balczewski says:

    Thanks for sharing your stories. I guess most of us had some events of heartbreaking in our lives, which actually made us stronger and wiser.

    We have to go through the worst, before we can get the best!

    Hope you can find your true soulmate soon.

    Like

  6. mscarolynyang says:

    I don’t know if it’s appropriate, but fuck him! I’ve been trying to tell my gf that for the past couple of days. If he can’t see you for what your worth, then he isn’t worth it! and P.S If it wasn’t cadbury chocolate, I’m glad you threw that ish down into the dumpster!

    Like

  7. thithie47 says:

    Hind sight is so great, if it would just do us some good at the time. What you are going through is tough on the heart and soul. But in time you will come to see this was the best thing to have happened because ……… And that is what you get to discover as time passes and the heart heals.

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      It is true…it’s the cruelty of hindsight. By the time you have it, it’s too late!

      I do know I will come out of this, and that there may even be greater things that come out of the painful experience, it’s just hard when it all seems like a blank at the moment and I’m not sure what that future looks like. But I suppose that will be the “finding my inner zen” portion of the blog when I finally can let go.

      Thank you for the words of encouragement. 🙂

      Like

      • thia licona says:

        Hi Sweetheart! At the age of 43 another woman stole my man and I felt apart! After a year or so, I did not find my inner Zen, no, not all, but, Yahushua stepped into my life and began a transformation in me big, big time! Yahushua is your answer and I am not talking about religion of any kind, but, I am talking about the real Being in the Universe that is waiting not just to heal your broken heart but to give you a new heart altogether! He did it for me and He is waiting to do it for you! My About here does not tell much about my experience but you can read all about it here:
        http://www.flowersfromonhigh.com/
        His love in my heart for you! thia/Basilia 🙂

        Like

  8. Lettie says:

    Right here is the perfect blog for anybody who hopes to find out about this topic.
    You know so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I really
    would want to…HaHa). You certainly put a fresh spin on a subject which has been discussed for a long time.

    Excellent stuff, just excellent!

    Like

  9. calensariel says:

    Though I agree to a certain extent with all the heartfelt wishes and sympathy here, it’s your last paragraph that’s the most telling in the whole piece, imo. And you write beautifully, btw. So emotive.

    But here’s my word of caution. Don’t ever think that another person can be your other half/soul mate and fill you up so completely. They can’t. As humans we’re not MEANT to fulfill one another, we’re meant to compliment one another. You will NOT find a fulfilled life that way. That path only leads to the same pain and misery (even in a good relationship) that you’ve just gone through.

    Go find a life where you love giving to other people in some way or another, THEN look for a partner. Someone to come alongside you and believe in you. You don’t need anyone to make you feel whole and valuable. You’re a gem just as you are. Churchill said: We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. Put romance on the back burner and go explore the world. Find your passion and don’t settle for anything less. When you’ve done that, lovers can come and go as they will, but YOU will always be a WHOLE person.

    That’s advice I would give my own daughter if I needed to.

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Thank you for the kind words.

      I agree with all of the above, and have been really coming to these realizations you so eloquently laid out for me. I am looking forward to figuring out what makes me happy as a human being, without rushing to fill this void in my life with another patch-solution boyfriend.

      I am putting notions of romance on the backburner, and am moving forward with pursuing my dreams and passions.

      I appreciate the support and wisdom.

      Like

  10. professionalsinglewoman says:

    You at least deserved the biggest BLT he’d ever made, that morning. The great thing about crushing breakups is coming to realize your worth through that pain. It was from my most crushing breakup that I realized my own worth and have never settled again for anything less than what I deserve. The mourning process can be a beautiful, transformative time. I hope you are on your way to healing! Hugs.

    Like

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Pft, I’ve had bigger (tee-hee).

      Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I’m really starting to come around and believe this. I’ve never felt such crushing pain, but simultaneously have never felt such a surge of creativity and stubbornness to create something beautiful out of my life? I feel like I’ve been stuck going through the motions for several years.

      It reminds me of a J.K. Rowling quote about her divorce that I love:

      “And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

      🙂

      Like

  11. Charlotte says:

    I just found your blog, and I think you’re awesome. I experienced a horrific heartbreak last year, and am still in recovery from it. It really does feel like being punched in the chest, and it was nice to read something somewhere other than my own sad, sad journal entries that the emotional pain does transcend into physical. Because sometimes it feels like I’m over-exaggerating when I try to explain it to people that haven’t felt it – it’s like nothing I’ve ever gone through before. I hope you’re starting to feel better. I’ll be reading along while you work on it (and my comments from this point on will be marginally less depressing and self indulgent, pinky promise)

    x

    Like

  12. nbsyed12 says:

    Having met you in person on a cold winter night on a train ride from one city to another I can safely say that boy did Mr. B let a great soul go. You my dear are a beautiful soul who has nothing but great things in life coming your way. No doubt beginning is always hard but you have no where to go but up. I look forward to reading your blog because having gone through this myself I feel this will not be your own therapy but for those of us out there who at times felt like giving up. Wishing you the best in the journey we call life and keep your humour, smile and love for life going. And writing too.

    Sincerely,
    Your fellow train traveller

    Liked by 1 person

    • Finding My Inner Zen says:

      Ah, this made me smile so much. It’s not often you meet such a kindred spirit sitting right beside you on the Toronto -> Ottawa route. Well, nobody else has every come close during my subsequent trips, haha.

      Thank you for the kind words; they mean the world. I look forward to reading your experiences, if you decide to share them with the world, and perhaps our paths crossing once again in this beautiful city of ours!

      Like

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